Video Game Controllers are Dangerous: The Story of How I Got a Black Eye

The Boyfriend and I went to visit his friend who lives in D.C. for Memorial Day weekend.

When we arrived on Friday night, we went to get food, then met another of their friends for drinks. “Drinks” turned into a three hour affair, as it is wont to do. 

But here’s the thing: I’m one of those people who, when they become tired, have about a thirty minute window before they become The Grumpy. I’m also one of those people who can go to sleep in about ten seconds.

These things combined normally do not bode well for me because I’ll be like, “It’s 10:30, I’m getting pretty tired,” (I know. I’m lame. Shut it.) which should alert everyone to the fact that I need to go otherwise I’ll be like, “I’M SLEEPY. I WANT BED. SLEEP GOOD. BED BED BED. WHY NO SLEEP YET?”

And then I’ll never see that group of friends again.

But these are The Boyfriend’s friends. He doesn’t see them all that often, so I was doing my best to stick it out. But around 12:15 I was not amused anymore. The drinking had slowed down and the singer at the bar was extremely flat at this point and I was just done.

The guys were not.

So despite the fact that I was doing that thing where your eyes get all glassy and your head bobs forward because you fell asleep for ten seconds, they kept on keeping on. The poor waitress kept asking if I wanted coffee, but when I’m at that point coffee is not going to rescue me. In fact, it will make me more tired.

FINALLY, around 2 am, the guys decide to pack it up. We get a cab, which I promptly fell asleep in, and bedgrudingly wake up to get inside The Boyfriend’s friend’s apartment. Once inside, I somehow remember to change into pajamas and get under the sheet on the air mattress, which we set up in the living room.

The living room is also where The Boyfriend + Friend decided to play a sportball video game.

It was whilst playing the sportball video game that somehow The Boyfriend lost his grip on the controller.

It landed on my eye.

It woke me up. Because it effing hurt.

Somehow, I didn’t make any sort of noise when the controller hit my eye socket, so the guys had no idea it even hit me. You see, when the controller hit that bone underneath your eye (is that the cheek bone?) it bounced away from my face and onto the air mattress.

Once I had established that I still had vision in my left eye, I was concerned that perhaps all the blood vessels in my eye burst.

This happened to me in high school the week before dance team try-outs. I looked like a demon. (And, for the record, I made the dance team.)

So I was all, “Great,  I’m going to have a demon eye for the rest of the weekend and into next week, the week where I’m going to potentially shake hands with Joss Whedon*.”

Finally, I say to the guys, “Are all the blood vessels in my left eye all broken?”

To which The Boyfriend responds, “No, why?”

“Because you hit me in the face with the video game controller,” I say. 

The Boyfriend felt really bad and apologized profusely.

He felt worse the next morning when it was clear that I was going to have a black eye.

His friend laughed and made jokes all weekend about how I now know better than to backtalk The Boyfriend.

I’m plotting my revenge.

*I have tickets to a Q&A with Joss Whedon. I KNOW. For some reason, my first thought about having perhaps broken all of the blood vessels in my eyes was I CAN’T MEET JOSS WHEDON LIKE THAT. But let’s be honest, he’d be down with it.